


What I wanted

by MistressRenet



Series: Thirty Times Together [4]
Category: Hakkai/Gojyo - Fandom
Genre: M/M, Masturbation, Pining, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2005-03-22
Updated: 2005-03-22
Packaged: 2018-10-17 21:47:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10602906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistressRenet/pseuds/MistressRenet
Summary: Written for theme #1, Anonymity, at 30_lemons. Emungere betated and remains great.





	

I didn't want you to know my name. I thought it would be easier to slip from your life that way, to be the ghost I already was.

Cho Gonou had died in the ruins of the castle. The pain was the only thing that reminded me that my body yet lived.

That and the constant stench of your cigarettes, now that I was awake.

One night I woke from a nightmare, terrified, grasping at nothing, and something caught me, brought me back to my senses.

I looked out the bedroom door and saw you, smoking, staring out the window.

There was a little moonlight, but it was faint enough that your hair was just dark, not the color of blood or death or penance.

You were just...you, Sha Gojyo, for the first time since I'd woken to your blood-red eyes.

You were so beautiful it took my breath away.

And then you looked back at me.

I couldn't move.

"You up?"

I almost didn't answer you. "Yes. I am...."

"Nightmare again?"

I didn't even bother nodding. You got up and walked over to me. I could see the glowing ember of your cigarette in the dark.

You left it in the ashtray next to the bed and knelt down by me. "You okay?"

"I...." I put my hand up to my brow.

I may have been a walking corpse, but you were alive, so warm I could feel the heat from your body when you were near me.

And suddenly I could feel the blood surging in my own body. Heat, need, desire....

You reached out your hand to me, and I knew it was an invitation.

But I didn't want to be alive.

"What are you doing up-- are you all right?"

"Yeah," you said, and grabbed your cigarette back out of the ashtray, taking another drag. "Just thinking, I guess. Might go for a walk; you wanna come? I won't go far."

You weren't wearing a shirt, and I could see the muscles of your chest in the dark.

When Kanan was alive, there had been no one else in the world. But she was gone, and you were warm, and I was hard for the first time since....

"I...I think I'll be all right," I said. "Thank you, Gojyo-san."

I suppose I had known you were beautiful. I watched you walk away and thought I might drown in it. I hadn't thought I'd ever feel desire again, much less something so... _consuming._ All I could think was how your hair would feel in my face again, how your hands would move on my body.

I didn't want to be alive, and my blood was pounding in my ears and my skin was on fire; and I didn't want to feel anything again, anything at all, and how I wanted to forget how beautiful you were, how your hands felt when you changed the bandages, how you'd reached out to me, what you might have done if I'd reached back.

I'll tell you a secret, Gojyo; I never chose to love you. You invaded me, haunted my dreams and my nightmares, were my foul-breathed consolation in the middle of the night when I couldn't stand my own existence.

And through it all you asked nothing of me. Not so much as my name.

After I heard the door shut behind you, I pushed the sheets down. My own flesh held no pleasure but the thought of you overwhelmed me; I'd seen you half-naked, dripping water from a shower, and the memory took hold of me as I wrapped my hand around myself and touched and stroked and came.

Even after my climax, my body ached.

I resented you for it for a very long time; for picking me up, taking me home, dragging me kicking and screaming back to life. What kind of madman takes over a thousand lives for the sake of one person, only to fall again for the next face he sees?

I suppose that's why I fought it so long, your touches and flirtation and simple, unquestioning affection; why I was never willing to reveal the name of Cho Gonou. I wanted to slip from your life without a trace, like a wash of water in a dry streambed that would dry out again soon enough.

But when I heard you answering Sanzo I realized even the water leaves its mark.

Perhaps even then I realized that I would come back to you, that even I could not fight my own heart forever, that one day I would run my tongue over the scars on your cheek and feel your rough breath against my face.

That night, though, I cleaned myself in shame and lay back down in the dark, staring at the ceiling until I finally fell asleep.

If you came in, I never heard you.

You had eggs ready when I woke in the morning. They were burnt around the edges, and I decided I needed to cook more of the meals. I felt better every day, now; there was no reason not to.

You leaned in to scrape them onto my plate and I caught your scent, under the tobacco and the cooking smells.

It was going to be a very long time until the bandages came off.


End file.
